


Pluto

by donghyuque



Series: In Orbit [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Lee Donghyuck Suffers, Markhyuck can be seen as platonic or romantic whatever floats your boat, Self-Hatred, but it's like? a happy open ending, highkey a mess even I dont know what im writing yall, i feel bad for hurting him i swear i love him witj all my heart, renjun shows his concern by being lowkey mean but it's okay cause we all love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-28 23:45:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16252256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donghyuque/pseuds/donghyuque
Summary: Sometimes, Donghyuck wishes his members would have noticed earlier on, when there was still hope for him.It's alright, though. It's for the best.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 11/9/18 i feel bad for the 2000 people who read this before i went and corrected some of the mistakes. keep in mind mycorrection of mistakes is being done at 3-4am so. i may have made more mistakes . goodnight 
> 
> lol please forgive me for this  
> it's a mess i dont know what i just wrote but here it is yall  
> probably lots of mistakes 
> 
> idk why it's called pluto i was just listening to the song pluto by sleeping at last and i was like yknow what im gonna name this document pluto and ALAS here we are
> 
> ALL MY ITALICS DISAPPEARED AND I DONT KNOW HOW RO FIX THIS IT MIGHT LOOK WEIRD NOW thnaks
> 
> thanks for reading please dont read this is you're using it as trigger content
> 
> again forgive me fam  
> constructive criticism is welcomed but also i am a Wimp

Donghyuck was far more observant than he was given credit for. He saw his groupmates at their worst, always caught on to their inner conflicts and problems. He saw Mark’s breakdowns from stress, saw the way Taeyong overworked himself to the point of collapse, saw both Chenle and Jungwoo succumb to depression, and he saw Renjun’s longing for home. He was always the first one at their sides, the one to hold and help them open up to their bandmates. He consistently encouraged his members to be vulnerable and get better. 

Donghyuck was a hypocrite. 

He had mastered the art of hiding. 

It gets comically easy to appear invulnerable and strong when you spend so much time watching other people fall apart.

Donghyuck was falling apart before everyone’s eyes, but they would never know. The last thing he wanted was to burden his members that were already struggling. He didn’t think he had the right to feel the way he did either; his bandmates had real reason to be sad, unlike himself. 

So, he kept to himself. It was better this way. He could manage. 

Donghyuck hadn’t always been this way. No, for a long time, he felt great. His decline had only began nearly two years after his debut with 127. 

It hadn’t been a sudden thing, but it had been rather unexpected. Donghyuck had been called the equivalent of the sun, the mood maker of NCT. It wasn’t right for him to be feeling this way, was it? It simply wasn’t logical, he was supposed to be the loud, clingy, happy one. 

It had started with comments online. They were all told to ignore the negative comments they got, but it was difficult, especially when so many seemed to be aimed at Donghyuck himself. They had never bothered him before, but seeing all the the malicious ‘fans’ attacking his body, voice, and personality hurt a surprising amount. 

Initially, he chose to ignore them- as he had been told to- but they continued to flood in and it got too much. Clearly he needed to improve all-round, he wasn’t pleasing the fans. The more he looked at himself and his bandmates, the more he realized how inadequate he was compared to them. 

He hadn’t done anything too drastic to improve himself at first. He changed his diet a bit; he stopped snacking and decreased his daily calorie count to 1000. He spent more time in the studio, but not enough to alert his members to any problems. He looked into skin bleaching treatments, and began to buy his own makeup for daily use. It was all fairly normal, luckily not attracting any attention from the rest of the band. 

His efforts went without much success, and thus began the true downfall of Lee Donghyuck.

He found it funny how easy it was to hide his problems from his bandmates. They didn’t notice when his calories were cut to 500 on a bad day, less on good days. They didn’t notice him spending even more time in the studio, dancing and singing until his vision went fuzzy and his throat burned. They didn’t pay much mind to him getting quieter, less clingy, just regarded it with the assumption that Donghyuck was growing up.

Sometimes, Donghyuck wishes his members would have noticed earlier on, when it would have been significantly easier to recover. The majority of the time, though, he’s grateful they didn’t. He wouldn’t be able to improve himself if anyone discovered his secrets. 

.

It’s early morning when Donghyuck decides to return from the studio. The previous day he had slipped out of the dorm after everyone was asleep, and he was to sneak back in before any of them woke up. His body aches with every step, and he’s ready to collapse into his bed as soon as he arrives home. His water bottle had long been emptied, and his throat burns for relief. He hadn’t been able to perfect the dance at the studio earlier, and he can’t rid the frustration that is coiling in his chest. 

When he arrives at the dorms, the living room light is on. He carefully closes the door, and tries to sneak past the person on the couch. It’s Mark, he discovers, with headphones placed over his ears, a frown marring his face. Donghyuck is tempted to sneak past, but he doesn’t have the chance to when Mark lifts his eyes to stare at the younger, slipping his headphones off. Donghyuck smiles sheepishly at Mark, lifting his hand in a small wave. 

“Uh, have you been out all night?” Mark looks concerned and exhausted, but it’s clear to Donghyuck that no one knew he had been gone since 11 at night. He laughs, despite himself,

“Have you even met me? As if I’d ever do that.” He earns a smile from the older at that. He makes his way over to the couch the rapper is currently sat on, and plops down next to him. 

“So,” he begins, “what are you doing up at four thirty in the morning?” He’s genuinely curious, usually Mark sleeps like a rock. 

“I could ask you the same thing,” Mark responds, quirking a brow at Donghyuck. Another laugh, not natural enough, but it suffices for their exhaustion-addled brains.

“I couldn’t sleep, so I figured I’d go out and practice a bit instead of laying around all night,” he explains, and it’s not a complete lie. He probably wouldn’t have been able to sleep knowing that he could be out being productive. “I believe you owe me an explanation though, you’re never up this late, or early, I guess.”  
Mark sighs, “ I don’t know, I just couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind.” And- oh, it’s one of those nights. He drapes an arm over Mark, pulling him into his side. The elder doesn’t protest or push him away, even despite his sweatiness. The boys breathing is shaky as he rests his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder. 

“I just- ah, it’s hard to explain. It’s just a lot of pressure, y’know? Everyone expects me to be perfect. I feel like I do so much, and what I do has to be perfect. It’s so tiring, sometimes I just want to give up on it. I miss Canada, I miss Vancouver. I hate being this far from where I came from. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I would give this up for anything, it’s the most amazing thing I could have asked for, plus I met all of you, so…” he trails off, yawning. Donghyuck gets it, more than he’d like to admit. But in the end, Mark’s got it worse, his mind shuts down his thoughts of self pity as soon as they start. He’s left with self-loathing, but he reminds himself this isn’t about him, it’s about his best friend. 

“It’s,” Mark pauses, “it’s worth it in the end, I guess. I have days like this, but then I get to see all of our fans, and I get to have you guys. I really shouldn’t be complaining.” Donghyuck sputters.

“Dude, sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re allowed to complain. You work so hard and do so much for this band. I hate it when you shut yourself down like that. You have every right to feel the way you do, you’re so hard-working and amazing, okay?” He tells Mark truthfully, and, god, Donghyuck is such a hypocrite. It’s true though, Mark does so much, he’s so perfect, and what does Donghyuck contribute? Not much, he thinks. NCT would be fine without him. 

Mark’s eyes droop, a yawn escaping his mouth. Donghyuck is torn from his thoughts, and stands up abruptly, tugging his best friend up with him. 

“I think it’s about time we head to bed, yeah?” He asks, tugging Mark to his room. Said boy lags behind him, barely keeping his head upright. Talking had helped clear his mind a lot, it seemed. 

Donghyuck attempts to deposit the sleepy musician into his own room, but Mark won’t let go of his hand. 

“You’re staying with me,” he sleepily mutters, “you haven’t slept either.” And Donghyuck really, really wants to, so who’s he to reject the offer? He and Mark drop, rather ungracefully, into the latters bed.

When they were younger, they had done this a lot. At some point, the intimacy stopped. Donghyuck’s not sure why, but he isn’t ashamed to admit that he missed this.

Mark clumsily wraps his arms around Donhyuck’s waist, and suddenly Donghyuck feels uncomfortable, too close for comfort. One of the last things he wants is for Mark to feel just how fat he is. He can’t exactly hide it when he’s pressed against someone else’s body.  
“Have you lost weight?” Mark asks quietly, words nearly slurred. 

“No?” Donghyuck lies straight through his teeth. It’s not a lot, but he definitely has lost some. Mark hums, content, in response, before passing out seconds later.

Donghyuck remains stiff and wide awake until 6, when he decides he could get up and make his members breakfast, just to be helpful. He carefully removes himself from Mark’s grasp, and silently leaves the room. 

He doesn’t make anything extravagant, just a rather western style breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes, in hopes that it’ll make Mark less homesick. He prepares enough for far more than 18 people (he honestly couldn’t tell you why there’s so much goddamn bacon in the dorm), knowing full well some of the members could eat enough for a small army. 

By the time the first few members of 127 wake up, he’s already packaged enough to bring to the Dream and U dorms. 

Before he leaves to deliver breakfast to the other dorms, he makes sure to tell the members that are awake that Mark had a long night, and to leave some for him if he sleeps in for a long time. 

As he walks through the door, he can hear Johnny whoop in excitement. 

Sure enough, the Dream and U dorms are equally as pleased. Lucas, whom he’s packed a specially large amount for, picks Donghyuck up and spins in happiness (much to the younger’s horror). At the Dream dorms, all of the members bear pile on him as a thanks (he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it). 

“Hyuck, why aren’t you eating?” Renjun asks as the dreamies all dig into their food. 

“I ate earlier, don’t worry. Chef gets first dibs on the food, right?” He smiles, big and happy, but he can’t help but feel anxiety well in his gut. Renjun just nods in agreement, before getting back to his food. 

Donghyuck is drained, to say the least. He hadn’t slept at all the previous night, and hasn’t eaten anything since dinner two days prior. He knows full well what he’s doing is unhealthy, but it’s working, and that’s all he cares about. It’s not like anyone has noticed, anyways. 

Once the Dreamies finish their food, they all respectively get ready for their late morning practice. Donghyuck can’t help but dread it. He loves to dance, always has, but he’s sleep deprived and hungry, and has a killer headache. Dancing means improving and burning calories, it’ll be worth it, his mind reasons. 

An hour later, all of NCT Dream are gathered at the studio. Their practice is only two hours long, as Donghyuck and Mark have a 127 practice at noon. 

Practice goes smoothly at first, only small blips in choreography here and there, before Donghyuck starts to nod off as he dances. At one point, his ankle gives out and he nearly falls to the floor before catching himself. He notes that his body feels kind of numb, but he chooses to ignore it. He can see that Mark isn’t faring too well, either, and it’d be selfish of him to take a break when Mark needs it more, but isn’t asking for one. 

Donghyuck’s eyes glaze over while he dances, the steps becoming messy and off. He doesn’t notice when the music is cut off, or the people around him stop dancing. He only snaps out of it when he feels two hands on his shoulders. His eyes snap up to Jaemin, right in front of his face, and the rest of the unit staring at him, concern written on their faces. 

“Hyuck…” Jaemin starts, “Are you okay? You seem really, uh, out of it?” He tries to word it carefully, Donghyuck’s known to be sensitive when people point out a weak spot. Donghyuck mentally tries to shake himself out of it, and smiles. It’s disconcerting, really, how good he’s gotten at pretending. 

“Yeah, sorry about that, I’m good. Just didn’t sleep too well last night!” He chirps, and tries to ignore the look Mark gives him.

“Do you want to sit down for a bit, or like, take a nap? You’ve already got the choreography down, I think you can afford a little break,” their choreographer suggests, having been silent for the whole ordeal. Donghyuck immediately straightens his back, eyes wide and awake.

“No!” He says, louder than he had intended, making everyone jump. “Uh, sorry. I mean, no, really. I’m fine. I can do this, we only have an hour left.” Nobody looks particularly convinced, but they start practice again anyways.

Donghyuck silently thanks any higher power that’s out there for letting him get away with that. He hyper-focusses on staying awake and sharp, making the dance as perfect as it can be. 

The rest of the practice goes without a hitch. 

.

On the way to the 127 practice, Mark grabs Donghyuck’s arm and pulls him into an empty room to avoid the prying eyes of trainees. 

“Okay, one, thank you for last night and the breakfast this morning, I really appreciate it,” he says, not giving Donghyuck anytime to ask what was happening. “Second, did you even sleep last night? After we talked, I mean. You look like you’re about to pass out.” Donghyuck, for the upteenth time that day, smiles and lies.

“Seriously, don’t worry, I did. I’m fine, okay? I’m more worried about you, so you better take it easy or i swear to god, I’m gonna fight you,” he insists, and perhaps the last part isn’t a lie, but that’s a minor detail. He opens the door, and jargles something about having to get to practice.

Donghyuck already has dream on his ass, so he puts extra effort into appearing awake and upbeat, just to leave the rest of 127 with no worry. He throws himself into practice, ignoring the concerned glances Mark throws him. Donghyuck wants to hit Mark for not focusing on himself, the stupid, too-kind-for-his-own-good idiot. 

When practice ends, he gets a slap on the back from Johnny that nearly sends him tumbling. Johnny sends him an odd look, but tells him he did good, and doesn't mention his near fall. 

“I think I’m gonna stay and practice a bit longer,” Donghyuck announces, standing up straight and smoothing out his clothes. Mark, yet again, sends him a troubled look.

“I don’t know, Hyuckie, I think you could use a break. You’ve been working really hard.” He knows, right then, that all eyes in the practice room are on him. He laughs uncomfortably, and waves them off.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be here very long. I’ve got a vocal class in an hour. Then I’ll rest.” The statement seems to put some of the concern to rest, but he’s still tense. Taeyong, appearing beside him, hands him a granola bar and apple.

“Make sure you eat something, you haven’t eaten since breakfast,” he tells Donghyuck, patting his back before walking towards the door, where most of the other members have filtered out. Mark continues to stand there, arms crossed, scrutinizing Donghyuck. He stands with Johnny and Jaehyun, who seem to be in a hushed conversation with each other.

“I really don’t know what you’re worried about, hyung,” he flashes a carefree smile, “have I ever been one to hide what I’m thinking? If there was something wrong, you’d know it by now.” Mark sighs, but looks like a bit of weight is off his shoulders. It makes Donghyuck want to cry. Mark shouldn’t be worried about him; no one should be worried about him, really. He isn’t worth it. There isn’t enough wrong, he doesn’t deserve to be worried about. His smile becomes tighter and he mentally begs the three english speakers to leave. 

“Okay, I’ll count on that. Don’t overwork yourself. See you tonight, Hyuck,” Mark bids his farewell, and he and the other two leave the room, a chorus of ‘goodbyes’ and ‘see you laters’ following them. 

The door slams, and Donghyuck’s smile falls. The ugly feeling welling in his chest is enough to make him physically nauseous, and maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but his head starts to get fuzzy enough that he has to sit down on the floor. He brings his legs up into a fetal position, and let’s his head hang. His chest hurts so bad, it feels like having a heart attack. His pulse stammers and his hazy eyes shoot back and forth. His breathing, unstable, stops completely. He’s not sure why, but he’s too stressed to pay it any mind. His body is trembling, and god he wants to cry. 

He gasps for air, his lungs burning from holding his breath for that long. He digs his nails into the side of his calves, trying to ground himself somehow. His attempts to get his breathing under control fail, and suddenly he’s wishing he had someone with him to help. He doesn’t know why this is happening, all he knows is that he doesn’t want anyone to find out about this, or anything out. And perhaps that’s why, because people are getting suspicious and it’s stressing him out, he reasons with himself.

His breathing begins to stutter, but it’s easier to breathe than before. Instead, though, he finds tears overflowing from his eyes down his cheeks and he’s sobbing pathetically on the studio’s floor. Stupid, stupid, stupid, he chastises himself. He’s just so sad, and anxious, and he wishes he wasn’t, he knows he has absolutely no right to be. 

Minutes later, after somewhat stopping his tears, he forces himself to stand on shaky legs. He still has forty minutes to better his choreography. He presses play on the music, wiping the few tears that continue to slide down his face off as he moves into his place. His chest hurts a bit, and it makes it a bit difficult to breathe, but if he’s gonna practice, he’s gonna do it right.

By the time he has to head to his vocal lesson, Donghyuck is ready to collapse. He’s been dancing for nearly 6 hours straight, and he is one hundred percent ready to sleep. He grabs his stuff, contemplating what to do with the apple and granola bar that he hadn’t eaten. 

He heads over to the garbage can, and while holding his breath, he moves some of the garbage on the surface, puts his uneaten food under it, and moves the other stuff on top. He gags and rushes to the washroom to wash his hands. 

His vocal class flies past, not having any complaints from his coach. She smiles, tells him he looks like he needs a bit of rest, then sends him off after his lesson ends. He’s tempted to go back to the studio, but he knows that some of his members are probably on high alert, and he needs to get them to lay off. 

Donghyuck gets back to the dorm as dinner is being served. He gets called in, but insists that he needs to take a shower, and he’ll grab some after. He smiles to himself, knowing that means he’ll get to go the rest of the day clean of any food. 

He makes sure to spend an extended amount of time in the shower, not getting out until he gets a knock on the door and is told to finish up.  
The kitchen is empty when he enters, so he slips a plastic bag into his pocket, then puts a small serving of food onto a plate. He heads to his room (empty, thankfully), and settles on his bed. The food smells great, he would kill to have a bite of it, but he has no way to know how many calories are in it, he doesn’t know how it was cooked. It’s too dangerous. He slowly, every minute or so, slips food into the bag then hides under the blanket between his legs while he browses youtube. Once there’s barely any left, and he’s spread what there is around the plate to make it look like he took more than he did, he brings the dish out to the kitchen, but not before shoving the bag into a box under his bed. 

Taeyong is in the kitchen washing the dishes when Donghyuck enters. The younger scrapes the small amount that’s left into the compost, then offers to help with the dishes. Taeyong gratefully accepts, mumbling something along the lines of ‘hyuckie is the only good person in this god forsaken band’. 

“So, did you like it?” Taeyong smiles, and Donghyuck nearly flinches in guilt, but instead nods and makes a small, happy noise. 

They continue in silence for a while, until Donghyuck’s stomach decides it would be a good idea to make a sound alike to a dying whale. The leader looks at him questioningly, dishes forgotten. 

“You still hungry or something? There’s more in the fridge, if you want it.” Donghyuck offers another tight lipped smile, trying not to let his bright persona waver.

“Ah no no, I’m really full, I took a lot. My stomach just does that after I eat. It was really good though, you should make it again sometime, hyung,” he flounders a bit, but it’s convincing enough to leave Taeyong only a bit concerned. 

“If you insist, but there’s always more,” he says, turning back to the dishes. 

He sighs quietly to himself, he's really on a roll today, isn't he?

Donghyuck sleeps like a rock that night.

.

Turns out, keeping people off his ass is a lot harder as things progressively get worse. It was fine for a while. After the day he comforted Mark and didn’t sleep, he managed to keep up his facade for a while.

After two months, his demeanor slips, and people start noticing. 

Donghyuck slowly stops throwing himself all over his members (they always push him off, anyways, so what’s the point?), he mellows out, gets quieter (he’s loud and obnoxious, so really, he’s doing them a favour), he spends more time in the studios than in the dorms (improving, he tells himself), a fifty calorie day seems like too much (it’s progress, it’s good), he becomes fiercely independent (they’re better without him, less to worry about and less to deal with), and he becomes so, so angry (he feels guilty, but it’s the only way he knows how to keep everyone at an arm's length). 

It’s a Friday when people really start to worry. NCT 127 is having a late night practice, Donghyuck is tired, hungry, and sad, a perfect recipe for disaster. 

He’s dancing, his mind going blank, when he trips over his own feet and tumbles to the ground. Footsteps surround him and someone is putting their hand on his shoulder and it’s too much, his knee hurts, his head is rushing, and this person touching him is stressing him the fuck out. 

He pushes the hand away roughly and jumps to his feet (stumbles, really, but he would never admit that).

“Get the fuck off of me!” He yells, stress and anger clouding his ability to think straight. He hears a few gasps, but it’s too much effort to care. All he can focus on is the hand trying to grab his arm now, and he wants to cry, but he can’t let himself do that. He yanks himself from whoever’s grasp (Doyoung, his mind supplies), and starts to rush towards the door.

“You guys are such fucking assholes, don’t come near me, I hate this all!” Some members are staring, wide-eyed. Others, like Taeyong, Johnny, and Doyoung, have taken initiative. Johnny stands in front of the door, while Doyoung has established his grip on Donghyuck’s bicep. Taeyong stands in front of him, glowering. Donghyuck only glares in return.

“Lee Donghyuck, what the hell is wrong with you,” Taeyong all but growls.

“Let me leave, Taeyong.” He spits bitterly, watching his leader’s face get angrier by the second. He’s got Johnny staring at him, anger evident in his features, too. In fact, the majority of the room looks angry. He doesn’t think he cares (spoiler: he does. A lot). 

“Drop the attitude, you apologize to every single person in this room right now. You are being incredibly disrespectful and…” He zones out, letting Taeyong lecture him. 

Next thing he knows, he feels a slap on the side of his head. “Are you even listening to me?”  
Taeyong seethes. Donghyuck stares at him blankly.

“Can I go?” He asks, monotonously. If he’s being honest, everyone staring at him is making him extremely anxious. He can feel himself begin to shake, sweat prickling at his skin. He does not want these people to see him have a panic attack. His eyes start to water, and he tries to tug his arm away from Doyoung.

“I’m sorry, please don’t be mad at me, please don’t be mad at me, please don’t be mad at me,” he continuously repeats suddenly, eyes flashing up to reveal fear, no trace of anger left. He sees Mark push towards him, but he violently jerks back and out of Doyoungs grip. He sees something in his bandmates eyes- worry? No, that’s impossible. If anything, they must be livid. He ungracefully shoves Johnny out the way of the door (the man doesn’t give much resistance), and bolts down the hallway. 

He finds an empty room, storage closet, more accurately, and slams the door shut, twisting the lock. Donghyuck ends up in a position he’s been in many times before, curled up on the floor, body shaking, unable to catch his breath. He had, at one point, researched ways to calm down from these (anxiety attacks, google called them). The methods he found had never really worked before, but he was always willing to give it another shot. 

He fishes his phone out of his pocket, ignoring the texts from his members, and clicks on the photos app. There, he keeps gifs that are supposed to help his breathing. 

He stares at the screen for a couple minutes, matching his breathing. It helps more than other methods, but he’s still shaky by the time he’s done. The messages had stopped a couple minutes prior. 

When he checks them, he finds they’re more texts of worry than of anger. He figures, despite his anxiety, he needs to go and apologize. He clicks the door unlocked and peers into the hallway, making sure there aren’t too many people around to see him in his frazzled state. 

Hushed voices emit from the practice room when Donghyuck arrives. He stands outside the door, nervously listening in.

“I’m- I’m so worried about him, he’s changed so much, I don’t know what happened. What are we doing wrong?” he hears Mark speaking, and Donghyuck’s heart breaks. They’re not doing anything wrong, it’s all him. He’s fucking up so much, he’s the one that’s dragging the band down. They don’t need him. He has to get his tear ducts under control before he enters the room.

All eyes turn to him when he walks through the door. His first response is to bend at the waist. 

“I’m so, so, so, so, so incredibly sorry, I should not have acted out like that. I don’t have any good excuse, I hope you can forgive me. I was incredibly disrespectful, and for that, I don’t expect forgiveness right away,” he apologizes profusely, refusing to look anyone in the eyes. His vision is trained on the ground, and he doesn’t expect the arms that loop around him and pull him close.

“Hyuckie, it’s okay, but please tell us what’s wrong,” Mark whispers, sounding like a kicked puppy. Donghyuck tries to shrug him off.

“Please stop,” it comes out quiet and raspy, and utterly heartbroken. He doesn’t deserve this. Not their love and care and worry. He doesn’t deserve to be in a band with such kind, forgiving people. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like an equal. He’s a brat, a nuisance, an asshole. He lashes out and pushes away. He needs to be better, in all aspects of the word. His pushing to be physically better is certainly not helping his personality, just another thing he has to improve.

Mark hesitantly removes himself from Donghyuck, stepping back. Looking at his best friend makes him want to cry. Everyone loves Mark. He’s done so much for NCT, and continues to do so much. He fits in with them so well, everyone loves Mark so much more than they love Haechan. It hurts so badly, but Donghyuck knows it’s his own fault. Maybe if he was better, people would love him just as much. 

“You know, you can come to us with anything, right? We all love you and care about you,” Taeyong tells him, speaking for the whole group. Donghyuck can see some heads nod in conformation, and he appreciates it, but it’s just not believable, and he could never take them up on their offer, even then.

“I- uh- really apprec-appreciate it,” he curses his stuttering, “but I’ve just been a bit stressed out, hence, you know, all that.” He make a vague hand motion in the air. 

He can’t stand to see the tense worry in all the members faces. It’s uncomfortable, and frankly, Donghyuck hates it. He clears his throat loudly.

“Anyways, shall we get back to practice?” He asks, trying to redirect the attention to something other than himself.

“I think we’ve all had a pretty rough night, why don’t we cut this one short?” Taeyong offers, and everyone murmurs in agreement. 

“I hate to do this again, but I think I’m gonna stay for a while longer. Sorry, I just need to do this for a bit,” Donghyuck tells everyone. They all look a bit hesitant to let him, but in the end his convincing smile and puppy-dog eyes win them over. 

Donghyuck doesn’t go home that night, and he doesn’t eat for three days.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again with the italics problem whatever lmao have a good day

When Dream has a comeback, Donghyuck spends the majority of his time practicing and at the Dream Dorm. He finds it harder to hide, his best friends are all in this unit, and they spend so much time together, so of course they find it weird when Donghyuck omits himself from ‘family’ activities and stays late practicing. They had always been hardworking, but never to the point Donghyuck is taking it to. To them, it almost seems unhealthy.

They also notice Donghyuck’s moodiness, his aversion to touching them, his distancing, and so they try their best to get to the heart of the problem.

Donghyuck would say he appreciates it, but he wants this for himself, he doesn’t want their help, he just wants to get better for the sake of the band and their fans.

Dream starts dragging him home after practices, insisting he’s done enough. Donghyuck hates it, but there’s not much he can do without raising alarm bells.

They all seem so much happier thinking Donghyuck is doing better, and he can’t possibly put that weight back on their shoulders again.

So he hides. Better than before.

His daily practicing turns nightly. He leaves when the members are asleep and returns early in the morning. He finds more creative ways to hide his food, and make it look smaller. Even ever-stressed Mark looks happier, and Donghyuck wouldn’t trade that for the world.

The first clue he’s not doing as great as he says, is when Jeno catches him in the washroom.

Donghyuck stares at his reflection. He’s tired, it’s obvious. The makeup he had invested in months earlier was a good purchase, he thinks. He still thinks he’s too fat. He knows he’s lost weight, he can see it on the scale. It’s not enough though. He also knows it’s not healthy. He can’t find it within himself to care.

He turns to the side, and lifts his shirt up. He pinches at his stomach, hard, until it turns ugly shades of purple, yellow, and green. He thinks it’s art.

The door clicks and swings open. Donghyuck’s heart stops, and he thinks Jeno has seen too much by the time he pulls his shirt down.

Jeno pauses at the door, stares at Donghyuck’s face, down to his torso, up again, and then slowly steps towards the singer, as if he were an easily startled deer.

“Duckie, what did I just see?” He asks gently, trying to grab Donghyuck’s hands, only to have the entire boy step backwards. Jeno’s eyebrows furrow, and Donghyuck wants to die, die, die. This wasn’t supposed to happen, but here he is, here they are, and Donghyuck has nowhere to run.

“You saw nothing.” He decides on, but they both know it’s utter bullshit.

“Stop lying to me, please,” Jeno begs, stepping forward again. Donghyuck’s back hits the wall, and suddenly he’s trapped and he needs out right now.  
“Jeno,” he warns, trying to push past the taller boy, “I really can’t do this right now. There’s nothing there, you saw nothing, okay?”

“Why don’t you just show me then, if there’s really nothing there?” Jeno asks, but lets Donghyuck push past him when he tries. Donghyuck can feel the older’s eyes on him as he bustles away from the washroom.

.

Donghyuck has often found himself heading out to practice at night, after the members fall asleep. He can’t stay after practice too often anymore, but he needs to burn those extra calories and sneaking out is the only way to do it.

Recently, he’s been eating more. The Dreamies like to eat together a lot more than the other units do, and he doesn’t want to appear suspicious to his friends.

Sneaking out isn’t hard to do, surprisingly. Most of them are out like a light after a long day of practice. Donghyuck is envious of them sometimes, peacefully sleeping in their beds while he has to go out and make himself better.

After doing this for so long, Donghyuck considers himself quite the pro. He has never once been caught, and tonight would not be the night he is.

Dream falls asleep earlier than usual, having been woken up at five and working all day, so Donghyuck leaves the dorm at around ten forty-five. He doesn’t notice Jisung watch him leave from the couch.

Donghyuck gets to the studio by eleven at night. He practices every dance he can think of, until his legs feel like they can’t hold him up anymore. He then sings and sings, and only stops when his throat feels dead. He thanks god that they have a free day the next day.

Donghyuck returns home at six in the morning, exhausted. None of the members are up yet, so he changes and slips into his bed, falling asleep in minutes.

A couple hours later, he’s woken up by a too-loud Chenle talking about getting breakfast. Donghyuck groans and pushes the boy away, insisting that he’s too tired and refuses to get out of bed. He’s left alone after that.

.

Donghyuck’s sneaking out goes without fail until Jisung has finally had enough.

(Hyuck didn’t know, but Jisung had been monitoring his outings since he caught him on that faithful night, debating whether to tell anyone. It’s gotten too much, he decides weeks later).

Donghyuck is nearly silent as he slips his shoes on and grabs his bag. It’s later than he usually gets out, already one in the morning, so he won’t get much time in. He supposes it’s better than not going at all. His diet has slowly been dwindling, and he’s back to losing weight, rather than just maintaining. He can’t say he’s upset with it.

The studio is quiet, as per usual, save for a few rooms being taken up by passionate trainees. He can’t help but think if he were like them when he was a trainee, he would be better liked now. He exhales slowly, loudly. He really would like to be asleep right now. His stomach feels like it’s caving in, the hunger pains are so bad that it makes him feel nauseous. God, what he’d do for ice cream right about now.

He plugs his phone into the speaker and presses play on his music.

He only gets to practice for half an hour, when Jisung walks in. Donghyuck whips around, seeing the younger boy leaning on the door frame.

“Uh, what are you doing here, it’s kinda late? You should be asleep, Jisung.” Donghyuck is extremely confused. Did the younger boy come here to practice, too? Or did he see Donghyuck leave?

“I could ask you the same thing,” the younger quirks a brow.

“Anyways,” he begins again, “you’re coming home now, sorry not sorry.” Donghyuck nearly laughs at him.

“Yeah, good joke. You can stay or you can leave, but I’m staying here, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Donghyuck retaliates, turning around to start practicing again. Jisung scoffs.

“Actually, there’s a few people back at the dream dorms waiting for you, and they don’t seem too happy.” Donghyuck groans, knowing it’s best if he obeys and comes home so he doesn’t get murdered by his friends. He turns the music off, albeit unhappily, and gathers his belongings.

“I literally hate you right now,” he glares at the taller boy.

“Love you too,” Jisung smiles, evil as ever.

The walk back to the dorm is quiet, neither teen particularly up for talking. The sky is dark, no visible stars occupying it’s space due to the city lights. Donghyuck hears Jisung’s shallow breathing beside him, and before he can stop himself he mutters,

“Please don’t let them murder me.” The dancer snorts, shaking his head.

“They’re not gonna murder you, they’re just worried. We all are. We see that you’re not okay, we just wanna help. We hope that you’ll let us.” Donghyuck feels guilty, yet again. He doesn’t understand why they can’t see that he doesn’t deserve to be worried over.

“As much as I appreciate that, there’s no reason for anyone to be worried, kay? I’m good, promise.” They’re nearly at the dorm now.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Jisung utters. Donghyuck freezes, staring at the back of the boys head as he walks ahead. The figure in front of him pauses, looking back questioningly. Donghyuck snaps himself out of his own shock, and hurries to catch up to the boy.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Donghyuck quietly vocalizes after a minute.

“Sure you don’t,” Jisung responds, and slips inside the dorm.

The three boys Donghyuck sees when he walks into the family room are not happy. Jisung salutes him farewell before slipping into his room. Jaemin is sitting on the couch, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. Jeno looks worried, the same look he wore in the washroom weeks earlier. Renjun is standing, looking angry, but the tightness in his posture betrays him and it’s clear how stressed he is. Donghyuck feels horrible.

Renjun marches up to the younger, fretting over him.

“How are you so dumb? We were so worried you idiot! Do you have any idea how it feels waking up and behind told your best friend is missing!?” He wacks Donghyuck on the head to punctuate every sentence.

“Oh, and not even just that! We were told you’ve been doing this nearly every night for weeks! Why are you doing this to yourself? I hate seeing you like this, Hyuckie, we all do.” Jeno and Jaemin haven’t said a word, they’ve just sat there and stared at Donghyuck, giving him the piercing look that makes him want to crumble at their feet and confess everything. Instead, he only says one thing.

“I have to be better.”

His voice is monotonous. The other three teens in the room stare at him, slack-face.

Jeno is the first to move, jumping up and pulling the other into his arms.

“No, no, no, Hyuck. You’re already so amazing, you don’t need to do this to yourself,” he insists. The other two in the room have joined in on the hug, muttering small reassurances and comments to vulnerable boy.

Donghyuck ends up sleeping with them that night.

.

Mark has been awfully distant recently, Donghyuck notes. He needs to approach the boy, his best friend whom he had barely talked to recently.

It seems to Donghyuck that Mark has been avoiding him, which, he will admit, hurts just a little bit. Yes, the older boy is extremely busy and overworked, but he always makes time for Donghyuck. Or- at least he used to.

Donghyuck is selfish. He’s a hypocrite and he’s selfish.

How can he expect Mark to give him any time when all he’s been doing is driving everyone away? He needs to apologize, he misses his best friend.

He waits outside of the music studio Mark is using and picks at the skin on his fingers until they bleed. He’s nervous, thoughts of the rapper being angry and leaving him filling his head. He probably deserves it, if he’s being honest.

He doesn’t have to wait long for Mark to finish up.

He’s surprised to see Donghyuck when he exits the recording studio, confusion evident on his face.

“Donghyuck? What are you doing here?” He asks his unexpected visitor. Donghyuck, still picking at his nails, stutters something incomprehensible before pulling Mark back into the room.

“I just, wanted to apologize? I’ve been distant, and I’m sorry. I miss you, I miss being around you. You’ve been distant too though, and I just wanted to ask if you’re okay? So, uh, are you? Okay, I mean.” Mark stares at him for a minute, before shaking his head and exhaling.

“Honestly, I’ve just been so fucking worried about you. You’re pushing everyone away, lashing out, not letting people help, and honestly? I’m so done with it,” Mark nearly hisses. “You make me so angry, you know that? You’re so frustrating and I’m so tired of this all. Of you pretending nothing is wrong when clearly it is! I can’t do this anymore, come back to me when you’re ready to admit you have a problem. For now, don’t try to be my friend.” Donghyuck’s heart falters. He hasn’t even processed what Mark has said before the older boy is walking away.

“Please don’t do this to me, please, Mark, please, I need you,” Donghyuck pleads, grabbing the Canadian’s wrist, trying to bring him back towards himself.

“You sure don’t make me feel that way, Haechan,” Mark responds coldly, pulling his wrist from Donghyuck and walking away.

Donghyuck stands in the middle of the hallway, dumbfounded and hurt, feeling like he has just lost a part of himself, the only part he doesn’t want gone.

.

Later that day, Donghyuck finds himself pouring his soul into dancing. His moves are lazy and large, but it’s the only way he can battle the overwhelming urge to cry. For once, he’s not worried about being perfect. He’s only worried about not breaking down.

It’s later in the evening, and Donghyuck’s not too sure how much time has passed.

Eventually, he finds himself sitting on the studio floor, his playlist blaring in the background. His eyes are blank, staring at himself in the mirror. He doesn’t know how he got to this point, he just knows that he doesn’t want to move ever again.

The door to the studio opens. Donghyuck doesn’t pay it any mind. Someone sits next to him. He doesn’t know who. Neither of them talk; they just sit.

His new companion gets up and shuts off the music. Donghyuck doesn’t move. A hand is placed in front of his face, and only then does he look up to see who has joined him.

Ten smiles down at him. It’s not a very bright smile, but Donghyuck can tell he’s trying. He appreciates the effort.

He places his hand in Ten’s, and allows himself to be pulled up.

“C’mon, you’re coming back to my dorm with me. Something’s on your mind, hopefully something we can solve with some Law and Order and Tequila,” Ten announces, Donghyuck’s stuff already gathered in his arms. The latter follows along, he can’t deny the fact that Ten’s idea sounds good.

The dorm isn’t far. When they arrive, Donghyuck is immediately greeted by Lucas who, just to be annoying, hugs Donghyuck so hard that he is lifted off the ground.

“Woah,” Lucas sounds tentative, “You’re so light…” Donghyuck physically recoils at that, and laughs it off.

“Anyways,” Ten starts, “Donghyuck and I are gonna get wasted and watch Law and Order, you in?” Lucas’ face brightens, and he immediately agrees.

“Can I go and invite Jungwoo and Kun?” He asks, emitting the energy of a well rested puppy.

“Yeah, of course,” Ten responds.

When the other two arrive, Jungwoo seems happy and Kun seems uncertain.

“You do realize, if Taeyong gets word of this, we’re all dead for giving Donghyuck alcohol, right?” Kun asks, slowly.

“Yep!” Ten chirps, “ Good thing he’s never gonna find out.” There’s a devious glint in his eyes, and Donghyuck can’t deny that he loves it.

Ten has a concerning amount of alcohol in the freezer, but Donghyuck thinks it would be too hypocritical to judge him. The dancer pours shots into shot glasses and brings out chasers, just so the taste doesn’t make anyone throw up.

The five of them take far too many shots in a very small amount of time, and too soon, they get wasted.

“Holy shit,” Donghyuck giggles, looking at his hand in front of him, “is this real? I can’t feel my skin.” Ten cackles in response, draping himself over Kun who’s staring into space, hiccupping. Every hiccup brings a smile to his face, and drunken Donghyuck can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking. Lucas and Jungwoo are in the kitchen, laughing at god knows what.

“So, young one,” Ten slightly slurs, “What’s got your panties in a bunch.” Donghyuck sighs dramatically, throwing himself onto the floor. Surely, he’ll be bruised. Currently, he doesn’t care.

“Fuckin’ Mark, y’know? Whatta dick,” he mutters. “He fuckin’ uhhh, he, wait what was i saying? Oh! He told me that he’s done with me and doesn’t wanna be my friend until I admit I have a problem? Bullshit, I’m gonna fight him.” He hears Kun groan from the couch,

“Y’know what? Just drop ‘im. If he’s gonna be that way, he doesn’t deserve your friendship or whatever. Lucas!” He yells towards the kitchen. A very large, very clumsy Lucas stumbles out.

“At your service,” He salutes towards Kun.

“Mark’s a dick and you need to go and fight him,” Kun explains and Lucas nods, pulling his phone out of his pocket and pressing on Mark’s contact.

It only takes a few rings before Mark answers.

  
“Lucas, my bro, what’s up?” Mark asks, and Donghyuck wants to cry at how happy he sounds.

“I heard you’re a dick, Markie, frickin’ fight me, kay? Square up, bitch. I’m gonna, gonna, yeah, do the thing. The, yes, punching and stuff, okay? You hurt-” Mark cuts him off, whispering harshly into the phone,

“Are you drunk dude? What the fuck?” Lucas giggles.

“Yep!” He responds in English, popping the ‘p’, “we all are!”

Mark groans, and Donghyuck can imagine him hitting his head lightly on the wall. The thought makes him giggle.

“Please, do enlighten me. Who is ‘we all’?” Lucas looks for confirmation from Ten, who apparently decided it’s a good time to take more shots. Ten shrugs when Lucas asks if he can tell.

“Okay, you gotta promise not to tell anyone, right bro?” Mark agrees skeptically.

“So there’s me, Jungwoo, Kun, Ten, and Donghyuckie, and we’re havin’ a great time.” There’s silence on the other end of the phone, before a not-so-happy sounding Mark asks, dangerously,

“You guys got Donghyuck, not-legal-Donghyuck, wasted?” Lucas laughs again, loudly this time.

“Yeah, he’s doin’ shots right now, it’s pretty funny. He’s wasted, and he’s soooo tiny, i wanna squish him!”

“Okay, is there any sober person there right now?” Mark asks, genuinely concerned for their safety.

“Yeah! Me!” Lucas supplies, and Mark has to suppress a scream.

“I’ll be over in a bit, don’t do anything stupid.” Is the last thing he says before hanging up the phone. Lucas shrugs it off and tosses his phone on the couch, going to join his friends in taking shots.

-

By the time Mark arrives, all hell has broken loose. Ten is trying to teach Jungwoo Baby Don’t Stop, Kun has busted out his magic tricks, performing them to no one in particular, and Lucas is sobbing over Donghyuck being too small while rocking said boy in his lap.

God, what did Mark get himself into?

His first order of business is to remove Donghyuck from Yukhei’s arms, and calm the giant down. A lot easier said than done.

As soon as he reaches for Donghyuck, the teen screams and pushes himself further into Yukhei, which just makes the older hold onto him tighter and sob louder. Mark is regretting this very much.

Okay, change of plans. Get Kun, Jungwoo, and Ten to go to bed first.

Kun isn’t too difficult, he just insists on showing Mark a magic trick first (it’s kind of a disaster, but Mark claps anyways). Jungwoo doesn’t put up much of a fight, but Ten is insistent that he stay with ‘his baby’.

Eventually, Ten tires himself out fighting Mark and allows himself to be dragged to bed.

The real problem is the pair on the floor. Lucas has not stopped crying, and Donghyuck is back in his stunned state. Mark goes and sits in front of Lucas. He’s about to try to talk to him when the older suddenly stands up, Donghyuck rolling to the ground.

“I’m supposed to fight you!” He says, and drunkenly launches at Mark. In retrospect, a giant man jumping at him should be scary, but Lucas is so drunk that he just tumbles to the side and falls asleep, leaving Mark with the task of dragging him to his room.

Finally, only Donghyuck is left. He has tears in his eyes, some on his cheeks, and all Mark wants is to hold him. He sits next to the boy, going to wrap his arms around him, when the singer jerks away.

“You hate me,” Donghyuck mumbles, voice hallow and harrowing.

“No, no, I don’t. I was just saying those thi-” he’s cut off.

“You’re right, though. I should be hated, you should hate me. You see through me. There is something wrong.” He sounds too sober for his words to be made up, but Mark knows if he were actually sober, none of this would have ever come out.

“What’s wrong, Hyuckie?” He asks, anxiety creeping into his voice.

“I can’t tell you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispers, tears flowing out, over his cheeks again.

“It’s okay, Duckie, I know. I know you’re scared. If it’s too much to tell me right now, that’s okay.” Mark is panicking. He brings Donghyuck into his arms, pleased to find that the boy doesn’t pull away this time.

“Just- please, please don’t leave me because I don’t know how to open up, please don’t leave me because I’m scared. It’s even scarier when you’re not around, I need you so badly.” And, man, Mark is an asshole. He had failed to consider how Donghyuck was already feeling, and how he’d feel after, when he spewed his venomous words earlier, declaring him done with Donghyuck.

The younger boy snuggles into Mark, dizziness swarming his vision.

“‘M tired, goodnight. Love ya,” Donghyuck yawns. Mark lays down on the couch, Donghyuck’s too thin body still tucked into him.

“Love you too, Hyuckie, love you too.”

He has a lot to fix.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do i even have to say the italics thing this time
> 
> uh anyways this is lowkey long but also super rushed hah ok thanks for reading 
> 
> stay safe!!!

“Hyuckie, when did you get so small?” Mark asks him one night, hands running through Donghyuck’s hair. He grimaces at the strands falling out with every stroke of his hand. 

“I didn’t, you must be imagining things,” Donghyuck tensely responds. Mark only can frown.

.

“I brought you dinner,” Jaemin says as he enters Donghyuck’s room, a dinner plate occupying one hand, and a glass of water in the other.

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry,” the older boy responds. Jaemin furrows his brows, and sits on Donghyuck’s bed. 

“Why haven’t you been eating?” 

Donghyuck freezes.

He lifts his eyes to meet Jaemin’s worried ones. His hands are all too warm, sweaty from anxiety. They sit in silence.

“I do eat, Nana, you know I do,” Donghyuck eventually decides on. He still hasn’t taken the plate from Jaemin.  
“We know you don’t, all of us do,” Jaemin struggles to find his words, not wanting to stress Donghyuck out.

“Please, leave,” Donghyuck whispers.

Jaemin leaves the plate. 

.

It’s a Saturday evening when everything comes to head. 

Dream stays late to rehearse on their own. Donghyuck has been fine all day, but his too-weak body doesn’t have the stamina that it used to. 

His lungs burn, and he doubles over gasping for breath. The way his vision swims is anything but comforting, and he really needs to sit down.

His knees give out, and Chenle, right next to him, darts out to break Donghyuck’s fall. He’s lowered onto the ground, head in someone’s lap (Mark, he notices when he tiredly glances up). There’s hushed voices (hushed, or is he just dying?) all around him, but he’s not so unconscious that he can’t hear them.

“Holy shit, do we take him to the hospital? How did we let it get this bad?” He can’t determine who’s said it, but the hospital is the last thing we wants at that second.

“No, please,” he weakly pleads, “no hospital.” The boys around him look unsure. They’re debating quieter now, and Donghyuck can’t hear much of what they’re saying. 

Eventually, he’s hoisted into someone’s arms. He’s so, so tired. He rests his head on, who he identified as Jeno’s, chest and closes his eyes. He doesn’t take long to fall asleep.

.

When Donghyuck comes to, he’s on the couch of the Dream dorm. The members are scattered around, some on their phones, other’s watching the TV. 

Donghyuck moans and tries to roll over, away from the bright light of the room. Mark, at his feet, immediately jumps up and pulls his younger friend into a hug.

“Okay, we can’t do this anymore. It’s time we talk about this,” he tells Donghyuck, eyes full of worry. Donghyuck wants to smack himself for not hiding well enough. 

The seven of them sit in the family room, six pairs of expectant eyes piercing Donghyuck.  
“I-,” He struggles to find his words, “It’s really nothing, okay? I’ve just been watching my diet recently, I’ve been trying to get a bit leaner and healthier, you know?” 

“Donghyuck, you’re a stick!” Renjun is standing now, “You look like you weigh nothing!” He has tears in his eyes, they all do. “Please, just tell us why you’re doing this to yourself!” Jeno pulls Renjun down between himself and Jaemin, wrapping an arm around the distressed boy’s shoulders.

“I just, I just needed to be, be, better?” He sniffles pitifully. 

“I’m so,” he pauses, staring at his feet, “I’m so fat. I need it gone. I just want to be good enough, pretty enough. I want to stop dragging down NCT,” he finishes. He refuses to meet anyone’s eyes. 

Hands are on Donghyuck’s cheeks moments later, pulling his face up to meet Mark’s gaze. 

“Lee Donghyuck, you are more than anyone could ever ask for. We just want you to be you, you don't need to change, you never did. We love you,” Mark tells him quietly, eyes welling up with unshed tears. 

That’s when Donghyuck starts crying.

He breaks down into tears, loud sobs wracking his body. The hands are removed from his face and directly after he feels arms wrapping around him in a hug. He can hear the others crying and again, he has the urge to just die. He shouldn’t be making them feel this bad, yet here he is.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I’ve made you all worry,” He starts, desperation lacing his voice, “but, just? Just please know that it’s fine, I have it under control. Please don’t tell anyone else, please. I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s not even that bad, it’s not like I’m starving right?” And he can tell that he’s ranted too much, judging by the heartbroken expressions everyone is wearing.

“Please,” he whispers, curling in on himself. It’s quiet for a moment.

“I guess we don’t have to tell anyone else,” there’s hesitation in Mark’s voice as he speaks. “Just know we’ll be keeping an eye on you, okay?” Donghyuck nods swiftly, relieved to have dodged that bullet. 

On one hand, he’s grateful people know. It’s akin to a weight being lifted off his shoulders, but he knows he’s not good enough yet. He’s seen the comments about his weight loss online, and he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy the attention. Yet, he’s still being criticized for his body and he can’t stop until he’s perfect.

He’s not stupid, he’s seen some fans concern about him, too, saying that he’s lost too much weight, but it only drives him further. 

.

He gains weight while living with dream, acts happier, and doesn’t let anything show. Within a month, his problems are seen as a thing of the past. 

Donghyuck has become a brilliant liar. His weight gain is terrifying, but he knows he can lose it again. None of his older members had been informed of his condition, and soon enough he’s staying at their dorm again. He feels guilty for being so happy about leaving the Dream dorm, but he knows now he can wrap himself in the tendrils of disorder again. 

It’s sick, how it’s become a sense of comfort. He knows he’s really gone when he starts to crave the smog of sadness that lurks around him. It’s a way to punish himself, maybe, or perhaps he’s just truly lost it. 

Mark is still there, but he’s so busy with preparing for their comeback that he has little to no time to make sure Donghyuck is eating and resting. 

 

Everyone is busy preparing and practicing, it’s hectic, and the perfect storm. 

Without anyone realizing, Donghyuck starts dropping his newly gained weight without a hitch. 

It’s horrible, but the only thing he starts looking forward to is seeing his weight fall every time he steps on the scale. It’s addicting.

He loves when he stands up or moves too fast that his vision turns white and he gets intensely dizzy.

He loves it when he’s so hungry that the hunger pains stop.

He loves it all so much, and he has no idea how it somehow got so much worse than before.

He begins to only wear baggy clothes, where his weight loss won’t be noticeable. His makeup collection slowly grows, needing to hide the the purple bags under his eyes and the bruises that so easily seem to be flowering on his skin. His once honey-like skin has grown pale, and his body constantly is fatigued. His hair is falling out every time he runs his hand through it, but he blames it on the constant bleaching and hair dye.

He hates that he thrives on his own deterioration, but he can’t help but love it too.

It’s a constant push and pull, two opposites fighting for dominance. Hatred for what he’s doing, and love for it. The love always wins out, though. That’s what an addiction does to someone. 

He lays in his bed, awake. Sleeping has become hard in the past weeks. All he thinks about is food, it’s completely taken over his life. 

It’s four in the morning, and he’s supposed to be up at 5:30 to perform his daily morning workout. He’s not sure why he put the workout together, or why it’s become so essential to his routine even with all the dancing he does, but he has to do it. 

Seeing as he probably will not be able to sleep, he gets up (quietly, not wanting to wake Jaehyun). He slips on sweatpants and a loose t-shirt that he swears used to be tight on him. He carefully sneaks out to the washroom, brushing his teeth and stepping on the scale. He sighs. 47kg, 103 pounds. Somehow, in only a few weeks, he’s managed to drop 20 pounds and he can’t say he’s disappointed.

Donghyuck is no idiot. He knows he’s not healthy, but it’s all worth it for being beautiful. He grabs his headphones, slips on his runners, and heads out the door into the dark for a 30 minute run. 

.

When Donghyuck gets back, everyone is still asleep. 

His workout is simple. He does push ups, then squats, then sit-ups, side leg lifts, dual leg lifts, uses weights for his arms, then does jumping jacks. Afterwards, he repeats with some extra crunches at the very end.

It’s not a particularly strenuous workout regime, but his stamina has decreased severely, and it really takes it out of him. 

By the time he finishes, it’s nearly six and Donghyuck is ready to crash. Everyone is supposed to be up within the hour, and Donghyuck dreads the rest of the days activities. 

He lays on the couch thinking. He feels horrible, for so many reasons. He feels terrible that he wasted his friends effort on getting him better (his mind still denies that there’s a problem, but that’s besides the point). He feels terrible that he’s bringing down the band. And he feels terrible that he’s still not good enough.

He’s trying so hard. He doesn’t think it will ever be enough.

Stars are dancing in his vision, and his breathing is still heavy from his workout. He likes the feeling. 

127 has a practice in the morning, but Donghyuck wants to get there early to avoid breakfast. He grabs a big hoodie discarded on a chair (definitely Johnny’s, but Donghyuck is sure the older wouldn’t care if he borrowed it), writes a note and takes some food. 

He disposes of the food when he gets to the studio, and gets to practicing.

. 

The rest of the members show up two hours later. They all look absolutely exhausted and Donghyuck feels terrible that he’s been so focused on himself when he could be helping his chosen family. 

As much as Donghyuck wants to collapse during practice, it finishes without many problems, yet again. 

Now, first order of business: Go talk to Taeyong, who looks like he’s about to die. 

“What’s wrong, hyung? Talk to me,” Donghyuck says as he plops down next to Taeyong. The older man smiles softly, bopping Donghyuck’s knee with the palm of his hand. 

“Honestly not much, I’ve just been having trouble sleeping and I’m a bit stressed about the comeback. Thank you for asking, though, you’re always so considerate,” he smiles as he affectionately pinches the youngests cheek. 

“Of course!” Donghyuck chirps, “You can always come to me with anything!” He doesn’t move from his spot next to the leader though.

“You don’t have to stay with me, Hyuck,” he informs, but Donghyuck stubbornly stays.

“Yes, but I can tell you need some company,” he bumps shoulders with the rapper. Taeyong exhales in a small laugh, 

“Yeah, you’re right. I really do.” The two stay in their spot for an hour, even after everyone else has left, making light conversation.

“You know, don’t tell anyone this, but you’re my favourite,” Taeyong smiles cheekily, and Donghyuck, sassy as ever, replies “Thanks, I know.” Taeyong snorts with laughter before pushing himself up, offering a hand to Donghyuck. The younger boy accepts and gets pulled up. Taeyong grimaces worryingly at the lack of struggle it took to pull the boy off the ground, but chooses to ignore it.

“Thank you for this, Donghyuck, I really needed that. You’re too thoughtful for your own good,” he says sincerely, pulling said boy into a hug. He’s tiny in Taeyongs arms, and the older starts to worry. 

“I know none of us have really been talking or hanging out as much as usual lately, but we all really love you, okay?” Taeyong whispers into Donghyuck’s ear as they hug. Donghyuck pulls back and smiles.

“Same goes for you, hyung!” He says, impossibly upbeat. 

“Yeah, yeah, now how about we go and make something for lunch?” 

And maybe Donghyuck will eat for once.

.

As it turns out, just choosing to eat is incredibly difficult and then knowing that he has so much food in his body, food that will make him so so so fat sends him into a panic. 

It’s on this day Donghyuck discovers purging.

The first few times he tries, nothing happens, but after a while food starts coming back up. 

At one point, he swallows body wash to trigger nausea and make throwing up easier. It’s disgusting, but it works. 

There’s blood on his fingers and in the toilet when he finishes, but he reckons it’s just from scraping the back of his throat. Physically, Donghyuck feels and looks like shit. There are tears all over his face, not from crying, just from throwing up so much. Saliva and vomit, disgustingly enough, drip down his chin and neck, and cover his hands. His face is all red, and his cheeks are puffy, but he knows the food is out of his body and, to him, that’s all that matters. 

There’s teeth marks imprinted in his hand, and his knuckles and fingers are all red. He stares at himself in the mirror, in all his post-purge glory, and doesn’t understand how anyone can find this beautiful or desirable. 

His throat stings unrelentlessly, making Donghyuck worry about how he’ll sing tomorrow. He has a splitting headache, and a few blood vessels have popped around his cheeks. He looks positively horrible. 

He uses cold water to clean his face and hands, then brushes his teeth. It doesn’t make him feel any cleaner, but he’ll lose weight, and that’s all that matters. 

He turns to the side. Stares at his stomach, how he thinks it protrudes too much. His thighs are too large, arms flabby, cheeks too huge. He feels a wave of tears come on, but resists.

Why did he have to be cursed with such a terrible body? Why couldn’t he be handsome and skinny like all of his bandmates? He constantly finds himself staring at the other members, admiring their slim faces and built arms, tiny waists and thighs. 

He doesn’t think it’s fair that this diet has completely taken over his life. He can’t enjoy anything anymore. Food is always on his mind, and it ruins everything. Not to mention, anytime he does anything his mind makes sure to torment him on how fat he must look doing whatever activity he takes part in. It completely sucks the enjoyment out of it, even what used to be his favourite activities. 

Donghyuck doesn’t even enjoy performing on stage anymore, knowing people are watching him and criticizing and definitely laughing at how fat he is. He hates this stupid, stupid, stupid diet but he has to do it. It’s the only way, even if it’s killing him. 

.

His new purging trick is helping him lose weight, not to mention his restricting is still going (supposedly) unnoticed. 

It’s a Friday when Donghyuck reaches his lowest weight of 96 lbs, and he knows that he’s going to die soon if he doesn’t stop. He smiles at the thought. He wouldn’t mind that anymore. 

It’s a Friday night when Jaemin comes to the 127 dorm to visit, and sees Donghyuck for the first time in weeks. 

Jaemin walks into the dorm, briefly hugging each member. He doesn’t see Donghyuck anywhere, and he’s been itching to see one of his best friends. 

“Hey, do you know where Donghyuck is?” Jaemin asks the room of people. 

“Yeah, he headed to the studio for a bit an hour or two ago. Why don’t you head down and keep him some company? I’m sure he misses you,” Taeil answers him, and Jaemin is quick to agree. 

Before he can leave, Taeyong stops him.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second? It’ll be quick,” Taeyong inquires. 

“Yeah, of course!” Jaemin responds, following the leader to an empty room.

“I’m not really sure how to phrase this well but- okay screw it, do you know of any problems Donghyuck has with food?” Jaemin stills, staring at Taeyong with a stone-faced expression.

“Why?” He questions, hesitantly, worriedly. 

“I think he’s been losing weight, he was really light last time i pulled him up and when I hugged him he seemed smaller than I remember, but I can’t tell much because he always wears baggy hoodies and sweatpants or lots of layers. His face is thinner, I think. I don’t know, maybe I’m making something up to worry about, but everything’s pointing to an eating disorder. I’ve seen him eating though, so I was just wondering,” he trailed off, hands running through his hair in a stressed motion. Jaemin suddenly wants to throw up. Of course Donghyuck couldn’t recover as fast as they all had expected him to. God, how could they be so dumb? 

“I’ll check on him, alright?” Jaemin attempts to reassure Taeyong. The older breathes a sigh of relief.

“Thank you so much, Jaemin. I really appreciate it, I care so much about that kid.” Jaemin flashes a bright smile,

“No need to thank me, he’s one of my best friends, too.” Taeyong pats him on the back as they walk out of the room. “I’ll see you later then!”

“Yep!” Jaemin waves as he walks out the door.

Not many studios are occupied when Jaemin shows up at the practice building, so it’s not difficult to find Donghyuck. There’s loud music blasting in the room, so the singer doesn’t notice when Jaemin enters. 

Taeyong wasn’t kidding when he said Hyuck wears baggy clothes, jeez, Jaemin thinks to himself. The boy he’s supposed to be checking on is wearing a hoodie that’s got to be at least three sizes too large, maybe more. 

He clears his throat, and knocks loudly on the door he closed behind him. Donghyuck whips around, face red and sweaty from dancing for so long. His breathing is laboured, but one thing sticks out to Jaemin.

His face is so incredibly thin. His cheeks have sunk in so much more than the first time he and the dreamies confronted their beloved mood-maker. 

“Holy shit,” he whispers to himself. Donghyuck is over at his phone, switching the music off.

“Hey, Nana,” he says softly, seemingly pulling himself further into his hoodie. Now, Donghyuck may be wearing huge clothes, but he looks tiny. Jaemin stalks towards his shorter friend, and grabs his arm.

“Donghyuck, what the actual fuck?” He asks, horrified and worried. The door slams open. Donghyuck visibly resists a groan. Jaemin had texted Jeno and Renjun to meet him at the studio after explaining the situation, just in case. Suddenly, he’s incredibly grateful he did. Donghyuck tugs himself out of Jaemins grasp.

“Family reunion, hey?” Donghyuck attempts to joke, but his friends are having none of it. 

“We were such idiots to think he could be recovered after just a month, weren’t we,” Jeno mutteres, making his way to Donghyuck. 

“Yeah, no shit,” Renjun sighs, dragging his hand down the side of his face. Donghyuck takes a step back, glaring at them.

“So you’re really gonna come here and target me like this? I’m practicing, please leave if you’re gonna judge me,” Donghyuck says, moodily. His temper has steadily been getting worse, constantly agitated by the fatigue, hunger, and self-hatred, though usually he’s able to control it. The three teens look sad and tired and Donghyuck wants them to go away so he can continue to slowly kill himself in peace. 

“I thought Mark was watching him…” Jeno trails off, eyes flitting over Donghyuck’s covered frame. Said boy feels annoyance surge within him,

“I’m right here, you know?” He glares at them, without any real fire. If he’s being honest, he just wants to get a hug and have someone tell him it’ll all be alright. He rakes his increasingly brittle nails across his arms. 

“Donghyuck,” Jaemin begins, looking hesitant, “Will you please take off your hoodie for us?” 

“Uh, no?” Donghyuck scoffs, crossing his arms and turning to walk away. Renjun, disguising is concern with anger, grabs Donghyuck’s arm and whirls him around.

“Take your sweatshirt off right now, or we can get someone at the hospital to do it for you,” Renjun threatens, but his eyes glisten with fear and worry. Donghyuck squints in disdain.

“I don’t need to go to the hospital, I’m not sick,” he insists.

“Take. It. Off,” Renjun all but hisses. Donghyuck feels sick, and his face shows it too.

“I-” He pauses. “I don’t want you all to see.”  
“What do you have to hide, if nothing’s wrong?” Jeno asks, getting reminded of the day in the washroom. Donghyuck squeezes his eyes shut, tears already leaking down his face. 

“I don’t want you all to see how fat and gross I am,” he whimpers, pulling his arms around himself. He can hear the hitch of breath from the others in the room.

“Please,” Jaemin begs, “please just take the sweater off.” Donghyuck stares at the ground, contemplating his options. Right now, a sprint for the door sounds really good. Where would he go when he escapes though? 

(Probably the edge of a building or a bridge, but no one needs to know that).

He knows it’s a stupid decision, but he’s extremely desperate and scared, so he makes a run for it. 

The three boys stand, stunned for a moment, before taking off after the boy. Donghyuck’s fatigued body is weak, while the others are in excellent shape, so he doesn’t make it far. Jeno snatches him into his arms holds him as the distressed boy crumples to the ground. 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck sobs, “I’m sorry I’m like this. You don’t deserve to deal with this.” Renjun sends Jaemin a sad look, beckoning him to remove Donghyuck’s sweater. Jaemin carefully pulls the bottom of the sweater up, pleased to find the boy gives no resistance. 

He stifles a sob when he has the sweater pulled off of Donghyuck. Renjun is already dialing up Mark on the phone, tears falling down his face. Jeno, on the other hand, has his head buried in Donghyuck’s hair, not being able to look after one glance. 

“Baby…” Jaemin whispers brokenly, “what did you do to yourself?” Donghyuck starts sobbing harder, and Jeno can only hold him tight. 

“Mark, you were supposed to be watching him!” Renjun is screaming through the phone, choking on his tears, “He’s dying and no one saw it!” He pauses for a moment, “Yes, we’re at the practice building. You’re such an ass, I hope you know that.”

(He doesn’t mean it, but he can’t deny he’s pissed). 

(Back at the 127 dorm, Mark throws on his shoes and runs out the door, nausea twisting his gut into an untieable knot. He leaves without a word to the members). 

Jaemin breathes shakily, running his hands through Donghyuck’s hair (he wants to cry when he sees how much comes out with one gentle stroke of his hand. God, how did nobody notice anything off?). 

“I’m going to go get a scale,” Jaemin mumbles, trying to ignore the way Donghyuck’s body jerks at the mention of the device, and how his sobbing seems to get louder. 

When Jaemin leaves, Renjun takes his place running his hands through Donghyuck’s hair. 

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry we haven’t been there for you,” Renjun mutters, words strained. Donghyuck is shaking severely, his breathing coming out in gasps and tears showing no sign of stopping.

“We love you so much Hyuckie, we’re so, so, so sorry you’re going through this,” Jeno mumbles, finally taking his head away from Donghyuck’s. 

When Jaemin returns with a scale, Donghyuck has to stand up. Jeno gently lifts the boy and places him on the ground. All three boys pull pained faces at their friend’s frame. His stomach caves in, and his ribs stick out far too obviously. His arms are stick like, and his collarbones and hip bones protrude. His spine sticks out of his back, each visible vertebrae bruised from repeated sit-ups. 

“Hyuck, can you- this feels kind of weird, but can you please take your pants off? Just so we can get an accurate number,” Jaemin asks awkwardly, and Donghyuck physically cringes. 

“Do I have to?” He questions, his voice small and shaking, seeming even smaller than he already is (which no one thought possible). 

“Unfortunately,” Jaemin responds, pain in his voice. Donghyuck takes an unsteady breath, wiping some of the still falling tears from his face. He slips his sweats off, and yet again, the room collectively has to stifle a gasp. 

Donghyuck’s legs have a gap that none should. They’re all bone, and at the other’s blatant stares, Donghyuck starts crying harder. He knows, one way or another, he’s going to be forced to step on the scale, so he figures he may as well get it over with. 

He takes a deep breath, and steps up. He stares down at the numbers, and despite everyone’s horrified gasps, he can’t help but smile. 

43kg. Half a kilo lighter than his morning weigh in.

Just then, Mark runs in. 

“Holy shit, oh my god, what the fuck,” is the first thing that escapes his mouth when he sees Donghyuck’s body. He rushes over and hugs the boy as tight as he can, ignoring the bruises that litter the younger’s delicate skin. Like everyone else, tears fall down his face. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice, how did I not notice? How much do you weigh?” Mark asks, his voice shaky and rushed. Donghyuck smiles,

“I didn’t want you to notice, and 43 kilograms.” Mark’s face loses all colour. 

“Why,” Jeno pauses, “Why are you are smiling?” Donghyuck, against everything his mind is telling him to do, smiles wider.

“I’ve lost half a kilo since this morning!” They all look at him, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Okay, we have to tell the others right now. C’mon, get dressed, we’re going,” Renjun announces. Donghyuck stills and stares at him.

“No,” he says. Renjun gapes.

“What do you mean, no?”

“I mean we’re not telling them anything,” Donghyuck argues, “I’m fine.”

“Donghyuck,” Mark starts, carefully, “You’re going to die if you continue on like this.”

“Good,” Donghyuck concludes, and everyone’s mouths drop. 

“Nope, this isn’t fucking happening. Get your ass up, we’re telling them whether you like it or not, you have no say in the matter,” Renjun says, disbelief and terror in his voice. Donghyuck, again, starts to panic. 

“Please no, I swear I’ll get better just don’t tell them, please guys I’m begging you,” he pleads desperately as he tries to get out of Mark’s grip. Still, the older boy holds him tightly. 

“Yeah, cause that worked last time,” Jaemin mumbles beneath his breath.

His fighting exhausts him fairly quickly, understandably, and they manage to get his clothes back on. Donghyuck lays there, tears falling down his face as his belongings are collected and he’s gathered into Mark’s arms. 

 

When they get back to the dorm, it’s obvious someone had called a team meeting of sorts, because all the members are sitting and waiting in the living room. 

Donghyuck, who has by now cried all of his tears, sits pressed in between Mark and Jeno, with Jaemin and Renjun on their sides. The silence is thick and awkward, anxiety gnawing at the minds of all the members. Eventually, the anticipation is ended when Mark blurts,  
“Hyuck has an eating disorder.” The room is silent for a moment, before people are shooting questions every which way. Donghyuck, looking awfully small curls himself behind the two larger boys, trying to hide. 

Eventually, Taeyong stands up and yells at everyone to shut up. He goes and kneels in front of Donghyuck, who has silent tears gracing his cheeks yet again, and grabs the younger’s hand.

“Donghyuck, do you have an eating disorder?” Taeyong asks gently, stroking the back of the singer’s hand. Donghyuck shakes his head stubbornly.

“Okay, then let me put it this way: do you restrict what you eat?” He doesn’t get a response right away, but eventually hears a small,

“Too many people.” Taeyong stands up immediately and beckons most people out of the room, until it’s only Donghyuck, Mark, Johnny, Doyoung, Jaehyun, and himself. 

“Okay,” he starts again, “Do you starve yourself?” Donghyuck nods shortly. 

“I know you overwork yourself, so I don’t need to ask that but,” Taeyong takes a deep breath, “Have you ever made yourself throw up?” Another nod, and a sharp gasp from everyone in the room. 

“Okay, I know you’ve probably already done this today, but I need your weight.” Donghyuck goes rigid once again, a coldness creeping through him. He gets increasingly dizzy from anxiety, and curls into Johnny, who had taken a seat next to him. He cherishes the warmth and protection the tall man offers. He’s always so cold these days. 

“He’s 43 kilos,” Mark informs Taeyong, “We just weighed him.” Jaehyun and Doyoung have their hands over their mouths in shock. Johnny sadly rubs Donghyuck’s back, and Taeyong looks to be on the edge of a meltdown. 

“I’m so sorry we didn’t notice anything sooner,” Doyoung says softly, and Donghyuck can’t help but smile.

“It’s alright, I didn’t want anyone to know, anyways.” Mark’s grip on his hand tightens. Taeyong sighs. 

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to go to a doctor, and figure out how to help you. They might want to put you in inpatient, and I know it’s probably irresponsible to not have you as an inpatient, but we can try to keep you here with therapy or something. You’ll have to eat all your meals with us, and not use the washroom after eating, okay?” Donghyuck’s eyes flood with tears once again, even despite having seemingly cried all he could that day. 

“I don’t wanna get fat,” he whimpers, pulling himself from Johnny and pushing his head between his knees. Mark takes initiative, pulling the tiny teen into his lap.

“I promise you’re not gonna get fat, you’re just going to get healthy,” He whispers into Donghyuck’s hair. 

“I wanna go to sleep,” Donghyuck sniffles, choosing to ignore Mark’s statement. He holds onto Mark tight.

“I’m gonna sleep with him. Is that alright?” Mark asks, already standing up with the far-too-light boy in his arms. 

“Yeah, of course. I’m gonna make some calls to a manager,” Taeyong responds, bidding the two teens a goodnight. Donghyuck is curled up in Mark’s arms, sniffling away. Mark lays him on the bed, getting in beside him and taking him in his arms.

“I know this probably won’t change your mind on anything, but I think you’re perfect at any size, as long as you’re healthy. I need you, Hyuck. I don’t think I could live without you. I know you don’t want to get better, but please, if not for you, for me, get better. I would give anything to see you happy, anything to see you okay again. I would give you the world, Lee Donghyuck,” Mark declares, holding the boy tight to his chest. 

“You’re the purest, best person I know, Mark. I couldn’t live without you, either. Hell, I would probably be dead right now. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think a part of me is relieved this is all out in the open. It’s so tiring, I don’t enjoy anything anymore. It’s just constantly on my mind, it’s taking away my life. I don’t want to gain weight and get fat, but I don’t think I can live like this anymore. Thank you, by the way, for not being disgusted by me,” Donghyuck’s sniffling ceases as he talks, large, watery eyes blinking up at Mark. Mark smiles gently and brushes Donghyuck’s brown locks off of his forehead. The younger smushes himself closer to Mark, chest still occasionally hiccupping from his stopped tears.

“I really, really love you, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck confesses, a tired smile gracing his lips after such a rough day.

“I love you too, Lee Donghyuck, more than you’ll ever know.” 

.

When Donghyuck sees the doctor, he finds out Taeyong was right. They want to put him in inpatient treatment, but Donghyuck declines. The doctor, though she doesn’t agree with their decision, sets an immediate appointment with a dietician and therapist. For the time being, he’s instructed to get an upwards of 3000 calories a day and be off strenuous exercise due to his being severely underweight. Donghyuck, embarrassingly, cries in the doctor’s office at that. It already took all his willpower to even show up, let alone be told how much he has to eat. Mark wraps him in a hug as Taeyong and a manager listen intently to the doctor’s words. 

They’re in the car on the way back to the dorm when Donghyuck speaks for the first time since the appointment.

“Y’know, I feel really pathetic that I need to see a doctor about all this stuff. How stupid is that.” Mark frowns at him disapprovingly. 

“It’s not pathetic at all. Honestly, I think it’s impressive. So many people wouldn’t be able to do that, but look at you,” Mark assures.

“But it’s not like I wanted to,” Donghyuck huffs, feeling upset with himself. The older squeezes Donghyuck’s shoulders in a quick hug.

“Hey, don’t be too down on yourself. Your willingness will come with time, it’ll all be okay. I’ll be here with you every step of the way, no matter what happens and what obstacles we have to leap over, I’m never going to stop supporting you, okay?”

“I don’t think I tell you how much I love and appreciate you enough,” Donghyuck smiles, the anxiety in his chest dissipating slowly. Mark laughs lightly and moves his hand to envelope Donghyuck’s.

They ride home, and Donghyuck feels better than he has in a long time.

.

Recovery is a hell of an experience, and not an easy one. It’s slow and painful, and if Donghyuck’s honest, he wouldn’t be doing any of it if it weren’t for his members. 

He finds it comparable to the worst roller coaster ride anyone could ever take. Some days, he refuses to eat. 

(“Donghyuck, please just eat it. Even half of it, please, it’s not that much,” Doyoung pleads, sitting at the table with Donghyuck. Mark is on his other side, his hand on Donghyuck’s thigh.

“No, you can’t make me eat it,” Donghyuck quips, refusing to even touch the silverware. 

Mark grabs the fork and gets some of the food, holding it up for Donghyuck. The singer doesn’t accept. Instead, he rises from the table and storms into his room where Jaehyun is sitting, browsing YouTube. Donghyuck throws himself into Jaehyun’s arms, sobbing at the prospect of gaining more weight. He’d already gained five pounds and he could see the difference. God help him if he were to gain anymore weight, surely he’d be a whale.

Jaehyun holds the boy, rocking him back and forth, talking mindlessly about a new musician he found. 

Eventually, Donghyuck retires to his own bed and falls asleep).

He’s put on exercise rest too, and it kills him not being able to dance. He sits in on practices to pick up the choreography. He’s allowed to lightly exercise when he gains ten pounds, but the prospect is looking terrifying and Donghyuck isn’t sure it’s worth it. 

He’s caught throwing up after eating a few times, and it’s painful knowing that he’s hurting those around him but it’s just so hard. Instead of being scolded, he’s held and comforted. He supposes that makes everything a little less terrible.

Donghyuck spends half his time at the Dream dorm (with some killer convincing from his fellow dreamies and a promise that he’d eat everything they give him). 

Originally, he thought that they’d be less strict with his diet, but he was wrong. So wrong. 

(It’s alright, he’s starting to accept that it’s for the best).

Some days, he completely breaks down.

(He’s staring at his breakfast when he bursts out crying. Today’s a day he’s at the dream dorm, and he can’t help but be humiliated. 

Chenle is at his side, attached to him like a koala right away, while Jisung awkwardly pats his back. Donghyuck profusely apologizes through his tears, horrified anyone, especially his younger members, have to see him like this.

Renjun seems to hear the commotion and comes running in. He doesn’t need to question what’s happening, and quickly pulls the slightly taller boy into his arms. 

It takes some time, but Donghyuck eventually finishes). 

His recovery is slow and painful (really though, why did no one tell him about how his body readjusts to having food. He finds himself sick far too often to be comfortable), but he’s getting there.

He sits with Mark on the couch, the older’s arm draped around Donghyuck’s shoulders, sharing a bowl of popcorn between them.

Donghyuck isn’t recovered, but he knows one day he’ll get there.

**Author's Note:**

> let me tell you it’s currently november 9th and i’m rereading this and my mistakes make me want to S c r e a m


End file.
